Eight Years of Knocking the Door

(a testimony)

It is true when a wise man told that for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. One thing that has to be kept in mind is how we can make a peace with the time, because no one can change the time, but time changes everything.

Yes for everything there is a season, but many times we are being so obstinate to get something before the time. We often pretend to know that something should be the best for us, then claim that the time has come. Do we know something after, whether the better or the worse thing will come?

Time always teaches us of patience, but many people failed to pass it. Time always teaches us of perseverance, but many people too fast to surrender. Oh, if we know that time has determined everything in couples: day and night, rain and dry, born and die, weep and laugh, mourn and dance. Please look, time is walking through along the night just to be greeted by a morning, and when there is a weep, a laugh is waiting.

That was a bright morning on July, when a friend of mine sent a blessing words through sms (short message service) to my celular phone congratulated us (me & my wife) for the anniversary of our marriage: “His love shall have no end. They are new every morning. Great and abundant is His stability and faithfulness.”

We were directing our eyes to our only daughter who was still in a very sound asleep. We looked at her innocent face. She was almost four years old, and this month she would go back to school to start her ECY-2 (Early Childhood Year-2) class. How the time flies so fast, bringing my daughter to grow amazingly from the birthdate to present. Reading the sms containing best wishes from the friend has brought me to a reminiscence on particular episode of my life. This is a wonderful life, a wonderful about weep and laugh which I would tell you for awhile.
***

I married in 1998 in Surabaya. After got married I just agreed with my wife to postpone our plan to have a child, at least within a year in order to get opportunity for going around anywhere we wanted to. I realized not giving enough time to her during years of our ‘pacaran’ (dating) because of my business. Enjoy togetherness without anybody else in the early time of marriage would be so happy. Therefore, my wife deliberately avoided pregnancy.

After 1 year passed, and we then aborted the pregnancy postponement, I was bit surprise since my wife never experienced any symptoms of pregnancy. So curious with this, then we decided to check it to doctor.

The doctor recommended my wife to go for blood examination to explore her hormonal composition, while I must go to examine my sperm as well. When the lab result was read by the doctor, we were so shocked after learning that my wife has never experienced ovulation – a condition when ovum discharged from ovary. By this condition, it would be impossible for my wife to get pregnant.

The doctor then decided to handle my wife’s problem at first. Upon heard the doctor’s comment, I just said to myself: “Probably it’s not time for God to give us baby yet.” We just thought positively – perhaps God was waiting for our readiness to give us a child. The statement actually was only a consolation to myself as it was absolutely not a simple thing to imagine how the miserable situation will come.
***

We attempted to follow the therapy that suggested by the doctor. We also came to several doctors to get second opinions. My wife also took Chinese medicines as well as traditional herbal medicines according to suggestion from our friends and families. However, the result was null.

Another endeavor, my wife then decided to quit from her job since some friends said the problem was probably impact of unfit condition because of her tight job. She was jobless within 2000 to 2002 (about 2 years), but still, she had yet to be pregnant. Eventually she decided to go back to work because spending days at home for 2 years without doing anything was so bored.

Then 2003 came. It meant there’s already 5 years of our marriage. We had been getting older. Honestly, we felt fed-up because of no sign of pregnancy came. We wanted to forget it, but it’s not so simple thing. When we met with our friends, certainly they would ask about family especially children. Having children for married couple in our culture was considered very important and deems a “mandatory” thing. So, we, particularly my wife, tried to be strong in mentality when faced such questions.

Fortunately, our parents never demanded anything. Yes our brothers and sisters in our respected family have had children, but they fully understand our situation and conveyed sympathy. “Don’t worry, my son,” said my mother. “I keep praying for you and your wife. God will open His hands and give you strength. Put your hope in Him, and just wait,” she tried to console me.

Friends and relatives often suggested us to adopt a child. “Some people adopted child then they got pregnant shortly after. Perhaps that will works,” they said. But I was adamant. I was afraid to be guilty if I would have failed to show fairness between my adopted child and my biological child. If I could have not love the adopted child wholeheartedly, am I not being sinful to his/her?

We visited another doctor in 2003. After observation, the doctor showed the USG result and confirmed that my wife was suffering PCO (Polycystic Ovary). After some treatment was done, there was even a big cyst with size as big as ping-pong ball had been growing. The doctor decided to operate the cyst and cut it off. After the operation, the same therapy must be followed every month, but till the doctor moved to Australia the pregnancy’s sign was still faraway.

In my pray every morning I said to Him: “Lord, should You do not give us a child, that’s ok. You are my Lord, and You are remain my Lord. I still hold my belief that You are my Savior, but please give us strength, show us Your directives in order to us understand Your will. May Your will be done, because I know everything comes from You is the best.”

I always consoled and ensured my wife that purpose of the marriage was not merely to have a child. A child, I thought, is just a bonus from the Most High, but the essence why couple married actually is for us to keep growing, growing in all aspect of life – how we share each other, fill-in each other, strengthen each other, and to bear fruits for others. In our prayer every night, we asked God to give us happiness, a happiness that not depending on do have or do not have a child.
***

2005. That was our seventh year of our marriage. What should we do after seven years in waiting but gained nothing? As a human being (and probably people commonly also feel the same), I and my wife began to forget about the child. We have prepared to accept anything till any possibility to spend our life in lonely without cheerful days when embracing child.

But one morning, when my wife was residing in a lowest point of her life, in her prayer suddenly she got a beautiful words that saying: “He makes the barren woman to be a homemaker and a joyful mother of children.” My wife stupefied in second. “Is the promise for me?” she asked softly to herself. She affected. Her tears dropped subconsciuously. She was sure that’s not empty words nor a coincidence. We’re sure nothing is coincidence in our life. We’re sure God is not blind, neither He is deaf. The prayers that have been submitted by us, our parents and friends persistently have knocked the Heaven’s door.

After the beautiful surprise, we got new spirit to try again, to re-try what we have started along seven years back. We were sure God has extended His hands to us. We routinely visited the doctor to consult and got therapy.

Several months after the therapy, my wife was able to ovulate. She looked so happy and very optimistic over the progress. Then her menstruation always came several days after the time it supposed to be. It indicated a probable pregnancy was in the making. However when we tested her urine, the result was always negative. The following month she experienced the same, however the test result, again, showed negative status. That happened month by month, but everytime the result was negative, I encouraged her not to surrender, and said: “Probably next month...”

One day, when my wife was at home, in a morning prayer and contemplation, a well known song was humming in her heart saying: “As a father loves his child, so You loves me. You makes me as Your pupil of Your eye. You gives everything that You have…As a father loves his child, so You leads my step. You gives a beautiful outcome. Your plan is the best for me. ” (Seperti bapa sayang anaknya, demikianlah Engkau mengasihiku. Kau jadikan biji mataMu. Kau berikan semua yang ada padaMu…Seperti bapa sayang anaknya, demikianlah Kau menuntun langkahku. Hari depan indah Kau beri. RancanganMu yang terbaik bagiku). The song repeatedly voiced softly in her heart just to be enjoyed by my wife.

Upon listening to the song, my wife prayed and submerged in some dialogue with Lord:
“Lord, You know me very well. Give me Your grace, please,” she said.
“What for? Am I less precious than a child?” the Lord answered.
“No, Lord, You are more precious than anything.”
“Then why did you ask to have a child?
My wife muted. Her tear rolled-down.
“To take care of you in your old age? asked the Lord. “Will I not keep my promise that even to your old age I am He, and even to hair white with age I will carry you? I have made you and will always take care of you, I will carry and will save you,” said the Lord.
“Forgive me, Lord, I asked You a child not to take care of me in my old age, because I truly sure You bear me up on Your hands. I asked You a child to teach me how Your love is - the love that You said as the love of a father who loves his child.”

That’s a very short conversation, but the song in her heart had never faded away.
That day my wife overflowed with an abundant happiness.
***

In our regular visit to doctor, since the pregnancy has yet to be happened despite the hormonal composition has been good, the doctor then suggested to do some treatment to my wife called HSG (Hysterosalpingography – A radiologic procedure to investigate the shape of the uterine cavity and the shape and patency of the fallopian tubes). This action was taken over suspiciousness that something should be wrong to the fallopian tubes. That’s correct, the picture that taken by radiology showed that one of the fallopian tubes was clogged-up. After certain treatment, the blocked fallopian tube was then opened.

A couple months after that, the pregnancy’s sign was still not appears yet, despite the USG stated the ovum has been ovulated and reached the proper dimension. Based on doctor’s analysis, the ovum has indeed matured, but failed to broken-down.
One day after several months of no progress, finally the doctor said: “I will inject with some medicine to break it down. Let’s see what happen after that. If pregnancy still does not happen, you have to be ready for insemination. If it’s also fail, I would give up!”

In February of the eighth year of our marriage, on the 33rd day after menstruation, my wife did a urine test to check whether she was pregnant, but the result was negative. We waited for next 7 days as the menses was still not coming, and then doing urine test. Same thing, the result was negative. My wife sobbed, but I consoled her: “Just relax, we have passed the hardship and we were strong so far, let’s wait for several days.” Then we waited for next 7 days to reach the 47th day. As the menses was still not coming, we did the 3rd urine test with a much expectation that she finally got pregnant. Again same thing, the result was negative. “What happened with my wife?” I thought.

We quickly came to doctor to check my wife’s condition. I asked the doctor why my wife has not got menses, whereas that was the 47th day. The doctor smiled, then took a pregnancy calculator and examined the date in front of us. He then said: “Ok, the baby will be born on October 2nd“. My wife complained: “How come you say that, whereas you don’t even do any observation on me?” The doctor replied: “That’s ok, just relax madam, let’s see.”

My wife laid-down on the bed, the doctor did a USG on her belly then said: “Congratulations! See, it’s already positive!” he showed the monitor screen. We saw a tiny dot as big as peanut laid in my wife’s womb. Is it called an embryo? We both muted, unspoken and only looked at each other. In our way to home, we never stopped to say: “Thank You, Lord….”
***

Finally, the door was opened, after about eight years we knocked untiredly. Was it too long to wait for eight years? Maybe, as a human being we felt it’s too long at that time. But, we knew Him who resides beyond the door is alive and listening to our finger knocking and knocking. He seems deaf, may be pretending not to care, but very truly He is not deaf, and He cares, He really cares. He is deeply moved in spirit and troubled. When our hands have been so tired, the knocking rhytm went slowly and the knocking-sound faded, finally He Himself opened the door. Praise the Lord.

***

My daughter opened her eyes. She has not understood the story yet, but I am sure, when she grows-up and being a young girl some day, she will give thanks and say: “Many, O Lord my God, are the wonderful works which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; no one can compare with You! If I should declare and speak of them, they are too many to be numbered.”

May this testimony inspires you.

***

Serpong, July 2010
Titus J.